After finishing this project I almost forgot what it was supposed to be on and what we were supposed to be thinking. I was never one to associate thinking, I just do it for myself. I suppose I should talk about how I feel and what I felt when we were in the "Notes to Nonself" exhibit at Herron. Honestly, the first thing I thought about and I thought about it for a while was the irony of the trees, how pissed would you be if you were a tree that got cut down and processed just to be a fake tree. What a slap in the face, thats like killing an animal just to stuff it for decoration. Other than that I thoroughly enjoyed the art in there, I thought the Octopus was the coolest thing in there, but this isn't a response to that so on with my project and identity crisis.
For my whole life, I have been someone that can perfectly succeed but doesn't. I let myself get in the way of myself. I either am too pissed because I think a project is bullshit and I shouldn't have to do it because it isn't helping me learn or I just didn't really care. My high school career was a joke, I barely passed. There were two things that were a big part of my life in high school, music and art. Now I'm not going to be generic about my life and music being a huge passion, because its not. I love listening to it, I love interpreting it but, I don't make it. Now i'm not saying you have to create music to have it be a big part of your life, but its not my passion. My passion for me up to this point was being there. I loved going to shows, concerts, whatever you want to call them. The scene was where I wanted to be, mainly because you didn't have to fit in there. Everyone there had their own story, their own place, their baggage and no one else cared. At school everyone gives a shit about everyone elses life and I never did, I didn't want people to know mine, I just wanted to exist. Another reason why it was easy for me to get along at shows and with the people there was because I questioned EVERYTHING, I hated authority, and I down right didn't give a damn. It was a place for me to grow with people that were like-minded. Now moving on to art. Art was easy for me, it was relaxing and it was a place where I excelled in school, mainly because I had free range, there weren't any shackles to art. It was "alright, lets create something" so I did. I'm not talking about finger paintings either, art that you can actually call art. The most disappointing part in my life today is that I don't do it much anymore besides for school, never for my own enjoyment and I don't necessarily do the type of art I'd like to do either. I really just liked seeing something being made from nothing, an empty piece of paper, a ball of clay, empty wires and balls of paper. Anything.
Now I've almost 180'd. I'm not that bad of a person anymore, I didn't get into that aspect of my life but I just wasn't a good person. I really have a new lust for life in my older age. I'm not an angsty teenager, if I have a problem with something I do the right thing, I don't sit there and beat the shit out of it or degrade it. I also have this new lust for life, I am extremely positive, things you just realize aren't as big of a deal as you make them out to be are what really tie you down in your life. I can't let one bad thing ruin my whole day/week/year/life. There are people in my life that I have now that I didn't that have played a role in this I feel like but I won't get into that either. I've been known to ramble and I know I'm doing that now. The point I'm trying to get at is that I have changed a lot of my life, some I wanted to, others I didn't. Sometimes you need to grow up and sometimes you need to play, I try to balance both.
I made a video of something I made in 10th grade. We had to make a self portrait in one of my art classes and I sculpted mine. (not sure if thats proper grammar but I need to get this done). The reason I did this video/picture is because I was having a hard time thinking of something to do for "identity" like what can I create that shows who I am? I kept crumpling up paper and throwing it away and then I looked at myself (the sculpture) and realized that acting how I did when I was younger stood in the way of some opportunities I could have had, but I also can't beat myself up for that because I love where I am at in my life today. This is also because I feel like I'm really throwing those papers at myself now instead of the sculpture because I've let the play and create part die out in me a little bit. So heres the picture and the video......the video was taking way too long to upload and I need to post this and get to class. I'll edit it later before class.
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